[It's certainly a task when he's as social as he is, but the ones that wiggle in a little closer than the wave in the hall way, a chat here and there, those ones are on a shorter list.
He turns the cup in his hand for something to do, attempting to distract himself, but it doesn't work well.]
I don't know what I want to do. He's got closer friends than me, I'm sure, he's got people from home that know him, people who are alive...
[Should he focus on them instead? That would be a different direction than just being angry about it.] I haven't checked if his books are still in the library. Maybe I could just...borrow one permanently.
[She nods, catching the inside of her cheek in her teeth. Not like she doesn't have most of Rags' things from the Greenhouse still in her cabin, and he's alive and well.]
A memorial can be just you, or you can invite anyone you want to it, if you want to do that. But just keeping something of his sounds good too.
[She gives Simon and Garfunkel a quick glance, teasing them with her fingertip. They might count, but she has the feeling that having both of them again stings a bit for Hanna.]
Saga is my new supervisor. She knew him, and she's a hell of a lot more organized than I am...I might ask her, I just didn't want to do it when I was trying not to lose my shit.
[He obviously isn't that comfortable talking about what he's feeling at the moment with the way that he's shrunk in on himself, but he glances over at her, the two little lizards enjoying themselves and gently trying to catch her fingers in their little mouths, though even if they bit, it wouldn't hurt. They keep circling around each other, and Hanna watches, thankful Simon didn't disappear with Alan but he was supposed to be with him, a little light in the dark if he ever needed it.]
I mean, should I though? She knew him when he was alive...that doesn't sound all that fair, dumping on a woman who just lost someone too. The last time I talked to her, I got her inmate killed so I could unfuck the Barge.
[That sounds like two for two, bad times personally.
He does pause though, looking up. He knows that happens, but the first breach he'd experienced he'd also been orphaned, a child taken in by the Abbey with no real family to speak of aside from, though that hadn't stopped him from making a name for himself.]
What was that like, just...suddenly feeling like you had a connection like that following a week of being someone else.
I- [It's difficult, talking about feelings, and all this shit when he'd barely felt comfortable asking her to go visit his parents. But the loss is lighting a fire under his ass, one that scratches gently at the surface of understanding that people might feel this way if he disappeared.
Alan had wanted to live too, but sometimes that isn't enough, not when there is a ticking timer.] John told me something a while back that I've been trying to put into practice... which is why I came over, cause you're not gonna feel it the way I do. I don't remember the specifics, but it's like...leaning out? It feels wrong, asking someone close to the thing for help, because they probably feel the same way, but you're not so connected, It's less of an emotional burden to you, if that makes sense?
Even if Saga can take it, I...I guess I don't want her to have to feel like she has to support me right now. And this, talking with you instead, if I can just get it out, maybe I can justify sharing some space with her without feeling like all I'm doing is taking.
[Clearly he's not used to approaching issues this way, if he could, he would fall right back into pretending the world was fine, but with everyone suddenly having their invisible clocks counting down from 60 seconds to one and resetting again like any minute could be the last, it was a bit too much to juggle both the coping and the panicking at the same time.
Still, he catches on her words, and its so much easier to help someone else than try and help himself. Changing the subject might not be good for him right now, not good for progress on this issue, but he might could trade it for another.]
[Taylor scoops the salamanders off her shoulder, a little awkward with the angle, and lets them nuzzle around her fingers a bit.]
It makes sense. [Despite them both leaning into the attempted topic change, she does feel the need to course-correct.] It might be good for both of you to share about him, but not until you feel like you can give as well as take. Yeah?
I've got the whole day open. Want to go up to the Enclosure and walk and talk? [Since she hasn't lured him into running with her yet.]
I can take those little wigglers back if you want me to, they're kind of distracting, I know. [The pair of them like to nest in his hair seeing as the top of his head is warm, and he can feel their little heat spots against his scalp when they sleep.]
Maybe? I always get nervous talking to women I don't really know... [He said some stupid things to Ulla when they first met, probably had to Taylor and he doesn't even remember it, but it would be nice, for sure.] I dunno if she has any fun stories with Alan, but I guess I could ask... [He can tell she's putting a pin in the other conversation, taking in a deep breath before pushing himself up to stand. He'd been doing a lot of walking in the Enclosure over the month, but it would be nice to go somewhere that wasn't the east coast, less chilly and wet.]
Sure, not like sitting here trying not to panic is going to do me any good anyways.
They are just little lovers, aren't they? You want to hold onto Simon? He likes new people. Which is for the best, helps him swing back quicker than Garfunkel probably would. [He holds his hand out and Garfunkel hitches a ride, waiting just a moment for Simon, but he seems to not mind his new friend.
He isn't exactly dressed for the coldest weather, but he does have a sweater on over his button down.]
Maybe like...something ethereal and magical. Some deep, moss-filled wood? That sounds nice. I know I'm a city boy, but I'd always wanted to go explore some fae-woods before.
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He turns the cup in his hand for something to do, attempting to distract himself, but it doesn't work well.]
I don't know what I want to do. He's got closer friends than me, I'm sure, he's got people from home that know him, people who are alive...
[Should he focus on them instead? That would be a different direction than just being angry about it.] I haven't checked if his books are still in the library. Maybe I could just...borrow one permanently.
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A memorial can be just you, or you can invite anyone you want to it, if you want to do that. But just keeping something of his sounds good too.
[She gives Simon and Garfunkel a quick glance, teasing them with her fingertip. They might count, but she has the feeling that having both of them again stings a bit for Hanna.]
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[He obviously isn't that comfortable talking about what he's feeling at the moment with the way that he's shrunk in on himself, but he glances over at her, the two little lizards enjoying themselves and gently trying to catch her fingers in their little mouths, though even if they bit, it wouldn't hurt. They keep circling around each other, and Hanna watches, thankful Simon didn't disappear with Alan but he was supposed to be with him, a little light in the dark if he ever needed it.]
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bothering the hencollecting eggs.)]Saga's good people. You can lose your shit on her, she's good for it. [Taylor pauses to add:] She was my mom in a breach. Me and Hunter.
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[That sounds like two for two, bad times personally.
He does pause though, looking up. He knows that happens, but the first breach he'd experienced he'd also been orphaned, a child taken in by the Abbey with no real family to speak of aside from, though that hadn't stopped him from making a name for himself.]
What was that like, just...suddenly feeling like you had a connection like that following a week of being someone else.
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[Taylor is not a social griever, but she understands others are. She's also happy to take on the change of topic.]
Breaches are- a lot. I've tried to keep most of my breach families, but I can't- manage it with moms.
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Alan had wanted to live too, but sometimes that isn't enough, not when there is a ticking timer.] John told me something a while back that I've been trying to put into practice... which is why I came over, cause you're not gonna feel it the way I do. I don't remember the specifics, but it's like...leaning out? It feels wrong, asking someone close to the thing for help, because they probably feel the same way, but you're not so connected, It's less of an emotional burden to you, if that makes sense?
Even if Saga can take it, I...I guess I don't want her to have to feel like she has to support me right now. And this, talking with you instead, if I can just get it out, maybe I can justify sharing some space with her without feeling like all I'm doing is taking.
[Clearly he's not used to approaching issues this way, if he could, he would fall right back into pretending the world was fine, but with everyone suddenly having their invisible clocks counting down from 60 seconds to one and resetting again like any minute could be the last, it was a bit too much to juggle both the coping and the panicking at the same time.
Still, he catches on her words, and its so much easier to help someone else than try and help himself. Changing the subject might not be good for him right now, not good for progress on this issue, but he might could trade it for another.]
I don't think I could either, honestly. I get it.
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It makes sense. [Despite them both leaning into the attempted topic change, she does feel the need to course-correct.] It might be good for both of you to share about him, but not until you feel like you can give as well as take. Yeah?
I've got the whole day open. Want to go up to the Enclosure and walk and talk? [Since she hasn't lured him into running with her yet.]
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Maybe? I always get nervous talking to women I don't really know... [He said some stupid things to Ulla when they first met, probably had to Taylor and he doesn't even remember it, but it would be nice, for sure.] I dunno if she has any fun stories with Alan, but I guess I could ask... [He can tell she's putting a pin in the other conversation, taking in a deep breath before pushing himself up to stand. He'd been doing a lot of walking in the Enclosure over the month, but it would be nice to go somewhere that wasn't the east coast, less chilly and wet.]
Sure, not like sitting here trying not to panic is going to do me any good anyways.
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[She rises with him, and leans in through the door to hook a hoodie off its rack, pulling it on over her usual tank-top.]
Anywhere in particular sound good? I usually queue up either Brockton Bay or Kamurocho, but they're not big mood-lifters without people.
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He isn't exactly dressed for the coldest weather, but he does have a sweater on over his button down.]
Maybe like...something ethereal and magical. Some deep, moss-filled wood? That sounds nice. I know I'm a city boy, but I'd always wanted to go explore some fae-woods before.