"My- my dad blamed me, for my mom. I was supposed to answer my phone, she was trying to reach me... He knew better, but-" Her shoulder lifts in a shrug. "He did. And he told someone who told someone who told me. And I- did not have the inner... I don't know. Distance, I guess. To know that he was wrong. So I was afraid he was right. For years, every time I thought something good about myself. How could I ever do the right thing, when I'd killed my own mom? A huge meal of fear, for whoever ran that particular simulation for me."
"When my dad died - that was the first time I realized how different I was from other people. When I started to realize how I'd never be what they... expected of me."
And she felt that failure over and over, until she joined the Marines and realized how perfect combat was for someone like her. Until she, eventually, found her team, and realized that it was possible for someone like her to be cared for and understood.
"How about now? You ever end up cultivating that inner distance?"
"I did. A lot of my graduation was learning what is my fault, or my duty, or my burden, and what is not." She looks aside at Shaw.
"I've met a lot of kids who'd just lost parents. There isn't a way they react. Some cry. Some rage. Some trigger." She shrugs a shoulder. "Some don't seem to notice, for a long time afterwards."
"Mm, no, I noticed. I thought about him a lot. I could see the empty space he left behind." She pauses. "I could see how much my mom hurt. But if I hurt, I couldn't tell."
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"My- my dad blamed me, for my mom. I was supposed to answer my phone, she was trying to reach me... He knew better, but-" Her shoulder lifts in a shrug. "He did. And he told someone who told someone who told me. And I- did not have the inner... I don't know. Distance, I guess. To know that he was wrong. So I was afraid he was right. For years, every time I thought something good about myself. How could I ever do the right thing, when I'd killed my own mom? A huge meal of fear, for whoever ran that particular simulation for me."
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And she felt that failure over and over, until she joined the Marines and realized how perfect combat was for someone like her. Until she, eventually, found her team, and realized that it was possible for someone like her to be cared for and understood.
"How about now? You ever end up cultivating that inner distance?"
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"I've met a lot of kids who'd just lost parents. There isn't a way they react. Some cry. Some rage. Some trigger." She shrugs a shoulder. "Some don't seem to notice, for a long time afterwards."
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Shaw shrugs, a bit stiffly but with no sign of offense taken at the question. Bluntness is a thing she can appreciate.
"No, I couldn't feel it. Not ever."